Being convenient is no longer a convenience —

We all love taking the easy way out, we all love doing it what is convenient for us. But there comes a point in time when it becomes us that is convenient for others and that is not convenient for us. You all know what I am referring to, it’s like suddenly you become that third friend on the sidewalk when there is only enough room for two people. Your so-called “friends” only call when the five people they called before you are busy. You become the last resort.. and deep down you know it, but it’s nice to feel like someone actually wants to hangout or talk to you momentarily.

I struggle with these feelings frequently, always feeling like i’m just convenient for someone and it’s not convenient for me. it leaves me feeling angry, it leaves me feeling sad and a bunch of different emotions that no one wants to feel.

It’s as though people only contact me when they want something, a friendly word of advice, to borrow something, to use something, never just for my presence.

It’s taken me a while to notice and I guess finally admit but I’m easily manipulated. I think that comes with being a people pleaser. I struggle with always wanting to make people happy. Whether that be my boyfriend, my friends, employers. I always want to do what someone else would as long as it pleases them regardless of how it makes me feel. People use me and it’s because i’m convenient for them… but it’s never convenient for me.. and it sure as hell isn’t convenient for my feelings.

My friends use me. They just want me for rides, to pay for things, anything you can think of. I’ve reached the point where quite honestly, i’d much rather be alone then with friends who want nothing but “things” from me.

I’d rather be alone.