Moving on and Getting Over You (2019)

Disclaimer: Wrote this in 2019 on VSCO journal and needed a place to save it so it doesn't get lost.

"well.. here goes

i spent nine months, craving attention. wanting you to want me back. i spent all this time begging that you would end up the person i ended up with in the end.. and the saddest part is, it all had to come to an end. and right now i’m coming to the realization that it has to be this way. in order for me to grow, in order for me to be better. in order for me to eventually be happy it must be this way. You don’t miss me. you don’t think about me. you immediately went back to the person you told me not to worry about our whole relationship. the same person who tried and tried and tried to impede into our life. the one who ruined me. the one who i felt “attacked” me. yet, you never stood up for me. you never said anything. i should’ve realized. i wish i wasn’t so fucking stupid. it was right in front of me and i never even saw it. and i’m so angry. i’m angry at the world. i’m angry at you, i’m angry at myself. why did you make it this way. why did you have to do this. why the fuck did you have to put me through all this? i told you about my hurt and you promised. you promised it wouldn’t be like this. you promised you wouldn’t do this. yet you did. and it hurt one hundred times worse, because you said you never would.

i may have been a little crazy. When we were dating, i made you block her on everything. But.. now that i think about it i was not crazy. She would message you at 2am on numerous accounts. She would text and call you continuously, when you told me you didn’t reply. she would unarchive photos of the two of you from over a year ago. she would constantly be around, and constantly do things to make me mad, antagonizing me. she would purposefully post pictures of my dog. Yet, i am not the crazy one. you are crazy. you are crazy for never standing up for me. you are crazy for saying how much you loved me, but never proving it with your actions. you allowed to her to antagonize me. you allowed her to constantly push my buttons. and that was wrong. continuously i allowed it to happen, i allowed you to not say anything. i just let it happen. i thought that is what i deserved. but numerous times i never realized i deserved so much more then you had ever given me.

the good times.

i will not say that we never had good times. there were multiple times that we had spent together that i enjoyed with you. i had a hell of a time on vacation with you, i enjoyed all of our little adventures. i enjoyed all the many times we went fishing. all of our dinner dates, and the simplest of times when we’d just go to wendys or the rootbeer stand. The baseball games, the zoo. some of the simplest things that we did were my favorite. Just like staying in.. yeah, some of those times where we just slept all day, or stayed in the house all day. those were easily some of our best moments spent together. i do not regret any of that.

learning.

learning. i’m continuously learning that despite everything we’ve gone through, and all the good memories we’ve had you are not the person i fell in love with. you will never be that same person again as much as i want/ wanted you to be. and i have to eventually come to terms with that. instead of fighting for who you are now i find myself fighting for who you were, and who i fell in love with. it’s sad.

you were...

you were kind, you were gentle. you were sweet and loving. you were like a breath of fresh air that i needed when i felt like i was being suffocated by the weight of the world. you were everything to me. everything that i needed and so much more. you were a lesson, i had to learn. you were my heart. you were like sunday morning coffee, or breakfast in bed. things you don’t expect, but things that end up being so good. you were the reason to wake up in the morning. you were the love of my life. but i’m slowly beginning to come to terms with the fact that you are not anymore and you cannot be.

i have to do this for me. i have to do this in order to be happy. i have to do this to be a better me.

i have to forget you.

ha, isn’t it funny? we don’t take the time to grieve the ones we love because we don’t want to experience the hurt. i keep making excuses for you, and your actions. i want to punch myself in the face.

i want to drive. i want to drive to your house and scream at you. because i never want to let you go. i still don’t want to. and you’ll never see that, you’ll never get the opportunity to see that again.

my heart hurts, quite frequently. no matter how badly everything hurts. i’d do anything to be with you tomorrow and that’s the worst fucking part.

i wish it would all go away. i wish somehow i would just begin to hate you. i wish i could stop feeling all these feelings and eventually you’d just disappear out of my head like i’ve disappeared from yours. but it doesn’t work like that does it?

wow, the truth hurts. i wish i could forget you.

i didn’t do shit. i begged for you and after you broke my heart. i wanted you so badly despite all the wrong that had been done. god i wish it would stop.

does it make you feel good inside? knowing how badly you ruined me.

my heart is aching inside, god i want to scream so fucking bad.

i wish all of this would go away.

yet here i am, left alone by myself. like you just kicked me off the edge of a cliff. with nothing left to lose

one day you’ll realize... i hope

drowning out my sorrows, a good way to not have nightmares. a lesson i’m beginning to learn.

i wish i could hate you.

i’m terrified of finding out what comes next.

this legitimately sucks.

i miss you.

nothing will ever be the same.

i’m not fucking psycho.

i need to stop making excuses for you.

i needed a place to vent, maybe i needed a place to cry. to scream. hm... not like anyone looks at this shit anyways right?

i want to tell you all the hurt you’ve brought upon me. i wanna know if it shatters you inside at night like it does me. i wanna know if your throat gets tight and your stomach starts to turn at the thought of me. i wanna know if you look for me in every car that passes. i wanna know if you truly ever did care. and if you did why did you stop? when did you stop? did you love me? or did you love the fact that i was always around? did you love the fact that no matter what happened i’d be there for you. because of my soft spot. did you like how easy i was to lie to and play? did you like fucking with my head? did you like destroying me? god , all i want to know is the truth.

i wish you wanted to stay, forever

i hate the way i don’t hate you

wishing all of the pain would end soon

i don’t wish hurt upon you. but i hope you learn. i hope you learn what you truly want. i hope you get your head on straight. and i hope you figure it all out. because it’s not this. and deep down, you know it.

so many means things you’ve said to me before, i hope one day that kills you inside.

This is for me.

it’s never on the day you leave. days, months, weeks... you’ll think of something. something that i did. something that will remind me of you, and then it’ll hit. it’ll hit how badly you fucked up. and how stupid you are.

i saw you today, yet we didn’t speak a word. it felt.... different this time.

i’d do anything to forget you.

i wish i never met you. i wish i never let you in. i told you all the hurt i’d gone through and you said you’d never do that. yet.. look at me now.

i’m begging my heart to let you go.

i’ve always put you first. i’ve always made everything about you. i’ve always put what you wanted , and what was best for you ahead of my own well being. feeling ... trapped. inside my own head and body. i feel free now in a way, like a sense of peace. i’m doing this for me. i’m going to get better. without you.

the day you finally walked away. i keep thinking of so many different things that had been said. you told me you had to let me go, because i deserves better than you. which matter of fact; you were not wrong. i did deserve better then someone who continuously went behind my back. i deserved someone whose constant attention was on me, and not their ex girlfriend. i deserved someone who wanted ONLY me. and that was not you. but if i deserved better, and i wanted you. why couldn’t you just .... be better? Was it the fact that you were not willing to be better for me? yet you’d be better for her? or someone else? was i not worthy of the love that truly was not that hard to give??

“i’m sorry that you’re 3 handfuls and i only fucking have 2.”

no. no no. i am not too much, you are never too much for the right person. you just aren’t that person. you are not that person, and i am not too much to handle.

you are...

you are a sharp pain i don’t want to feel anymore. you are a rip your heart out and stomp on it a few times, kind of person. you are a pounding headache that aches for days. you are mean, you are bitter. you are full of anger and you blame me. but i didn’t do anything. i wanted to save you, i begged you to be better for me. you are the “step on a lego, and scream fuck” because it hurts. you are a not eat for days because the thought of food makes your stomach turn. you are not for me, and i am not for you. we are not good together.. and that’s because of you.

“it will hurt me to watch you move on. but you deserve better”

ya know what? fuck you. fuck you for making me believe that you actually cared. isn’t it amusing how that works? i was so gullible, and i was had such a soft spot for you. you took advantage of that. yet... minutes after you told me that. you were with her. i should’ve fucking known.

i think i hate you.

i still hate you

and

i hate your girlfriend too

i still hate you"